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The Daily Show - Funny Stuff

Some Funny Stories From The Daily Show

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Funny Stories From The Daily Show

  • "Excuse me, what time is the midnight movie?"
  • "Uh, what movies was he in?" -- Pamela Anderson at the Cannes Film Festival , responding to the question, "Do you read Kierkegaard?" Ah, poor Pamela.
  • On Daily Variety's Movies in Production Page, there was a recent listing for a future movie entitled, Postal Worker. The entry read, "Postal Worker. Now shooting in New Mexico..."
  • Chris Knight discovered a campaign sign from a politican which said, "I am willing to work for a change."
  • From Ted Brosseau whose office was recently having a meeting about their benefits package. One executive suggested adding group burial insurance which prompted his secretary to respond, "No, I don't want to be buried in a group."
  • "No Children allowed" -- A sign in a hospital maternity ward.
  • From Friendly's, the slowest restaurant on the planet: A waitress explaining why my burger was takinga half hour to be served: "I'm sorry. Your burger's gonna take a little longer. The computer was down."
  • Feedback from a Lemoore Union High School student: "my opinion on your stupid humor is very retarded" I once went to a baseball game with a friend, and we had the privilege of sitting behind the stupidest eight year old on the planet. He did many stupid things that day, but the stupidest was when
    he attempted to do the wave. Now, I want to stress that his technique was fine. No doubt about it. Hewill grow up to be a fine practitioner of the wave. The only problem was that he was holding a big
    plate of nachos and forgot to put down the nachos before performing the wave. So the result was that his head and shirt (plus portions of my friend) ended up completely covered with nachos. His father,meanwhile, just sighed.
  • At a McDonald's drive-thru in Baltimore: Customer: "I'll have an Egg McMuffin and a black coffee."
    McDonald's employee: "Would you like cream and sugar with your black coffee?"
  • Bibi from Norway sent this one in. Her friend wrote to her in a letter, "How nice that your sister had a daughter. Was it a boy or a girl?"
  • At an Osco Drug in Blue Springs, Missouri, Rick Kyanka came across a sign reading, "24 Hor Service." Well, how convenient.
  • A question asked at a sub shop, "The Buffalo Wings? Those aren't really buffalo, are they?" 
  • A sign on a Kroger grocery store in Detroit: "Closed For Your Convenience"
  • This is from a recently divorced woman who never really liked her maiden name. Therefore, shedecided to keep her married name after the divorce. When she was on a blind date, the man asked what her maiden name was. "I'll tell you, but you'd better not laugh. It's hideous." She told him."Hideous? Is that German?" He asked.
  • My mother, bless her, is learning how to use e-mail. Her question this weekend was, "Um, so if I want you to send me e-mail, do I have to give you my password?"
  • I'm not sure if this is stupid or just plain weird, but this weekend in LA, you can see the film Microcosm. It's a film twenty years in the making that "stars ants, bees, ladybugs, butterflies, and snails" and "provides a unique look at entomological eroticism." Yep, bug porn. I must have missed this trend. I wonder if there's a USENET news group about it.
  • I was riding a bus in LA. (Wait. No. That's not the stupid part.) The bus pulled up next to an armored truck. The bus driver leaned out the window and said something to the driver of the armored truck. It turns out that the driver of the armored truck had been driving around with the keys to the truck still in the keyhole of the door.
  • From travel agent John Peterkin who had the following conversation with a traveler: John: "Your flight leaves Seattle at 8:20 AM and arrives in New York at 5:35 PM with one stop en route." Traveler: "Um,what state is Enroute in?"
  • Rob and Maria Lorentzen found a small church with a sign that read, "No trespassing without permission."
  • Well, I hate to make fun of a fellow temp, but one reader told me about the time she was working on December 24th. As a gesture of good will, the boss announced in the morning that everyone could have half the day off. This prompted a temp receptionist to ask, "Um, which half do we get off?"
  • My father's friend was recently mailing something to Italy but did not know the postage. When he asked a clerk in a drug store if she knew how much it cost to mail something from the U.S. to Italy, she responded, "Italy? Is that international?" She then looked under the letter I on a chart of the state abbreviations to see if Italy was listed between Iowa and Kansas. On the plus side, she did seem to know the alphabet.
  • A college basketball announcer: "We'd like to remind some of our viewers that we will be leaving us momentarily to bring you another game." Wow. The technology they use these days is amazing. Fox Sports announcer Pat Summeral during the Super Bowl: "If only faces could talk. . ."
  • A stockbroker trying to spell something over the phone to a customer: "No, no, it begins with T not V.You know, T as in theft."
  • Gerald Hazzard found the following in the New York Daily News. Apparently, somewhere in the General Post Office building at Eighth Avenue and 33rd Street in New York City, there is a door with a very official sign on it. This sign reads, "This door is not to be used as an entrance or exit."
  • A Peek at Our Future: A construction worker wrote to tell me about the time some engineering students from a prestigious university visited his construction site. The iron workers were tying the reinforcing steel bars with wire preparing to pour concrete when one of the soon-to-be engineers asked, "When the concrete gets hard, do you remove the wires?"
  • And now a story about The Kissing Machine from the Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette. This is a new machine that will cause a tingling sensation when you kiss that special someone (or anyone else for that matter). The article describes how it works: "Connect an RCA cord from The Kissing Machine to your stereo and pop in some music with a good beat; insert one 9-volt battery into the back of the device; turn it on and adjust the pleasure dial to your favorite tingling setting on each love handle;
    have each person pick up the metal love handles and begin kissing." The tingling sensation is caused by the beats in the music. ("If the music is too loud, the sensation may become too intense.") But of course it's not for everyone: "People who are pregnant, have a pacemaker or heart condition should not use The Kissing Machine. Users also should avoid touching your partner's teeth with your tongue or teeth because it may produce a shock." "From our very first kiss, there was just this spark between us . . . ."
  • On St. Patrick's Day, reader Pat Taha ran across a friend who was wearing a large green carnation. Pat asked her if she was really entitled to wear it and she replied, "Oh yes. . . all my ancestors were from Scotland."